By Christopher Bjørnsen
So, for one reason or the other, you want to move to our land. Cool. You need, however, to understand a few ground rules.
If you are fleeing persecution, we will do our best to help you. After all, protecting you is our moral, ethical, and legal duty (under the U.N. Convention on Refugees). Assistance, however, will be provided under our rules, and in application of our laws. You don't call the shots. We do. It would also serve you well to demonstrate to us you can adapt to our way of life by first showing respect for our laws.
And so we are clear, if you are risking sexual enslavement as a woman, facing forcible military training as a young child, or looking at execution as a homosexual, yes, you are fleeing persecution and can be considered for asylum. Being unable to provide for your extended family due to lack of employment or unwillingness of some members of your household to work over religious considerations, or being required as an adult male to perform your duties and defend your country against DAECH/ISIS, does not, however, qualify you as a refugee.
Once you have reached a safe country, even if you are fleeing persecution, you are no longer considered a refugee. So, if you make it to Turkey from Iraq or Syria, you will be safe there. Your decision to continue on to other European or Nordic countries will therefore be economic.
Being shielded from persecution, and being afforded basic dignity, is a human right. Being provided a Viking life, however, is not. So, if you are not a refugee, and you want to move our way, you will need to follow due process, and apply as a regular immigrant. Understanding of course residency is a privilege and not a right or entitlement, and whether we welcome you or not in our country is at our discretion.
Figuring out whether you qualify as a refugee is very important. If you apply for Asylum, and your application is rejected, you will be deported, and potentially banned from our country for life.
Once you make it to our country, you will need to adapt to our culture and lifestyle. First, you will need to learn our language. As a matter of fact, this will be a condition for you remaining in our land. Although we will help you, financially and otherwise, to settle down, you will be expected to work as soon as practical.
You are free to have whatever religious views, and to believe in Allah, Jesus Christ, or whoever else. However, we will not tolerate any such views to be forced onto us. In our country, we drink mead, fuck pretty much anything that moves on Friday nights, feast on pork, and bath or enjoy saunas naked. Our women can also walk on the beach topless, breastfeed in public parks, and have any job they qualify for. We further draw whoever we want, including pictures of some dude who apparently goes by the name of Muhammad. We won't stop doing any of this, and being who we are, just to accommodate you. Our country and culture, our rules.
Now, if we're clear on these few points, we'll probably all get along just fine.