The Search for the Elusive, Endangered, Canadian Man


We’ve all heard of the rarely seen Canadian man. Strong, white and free. Settler of Canadian wilderness, builder of a nation, and yet, fading into obsolescence in old tales of an evil colonial  past long gone. A man so rare indeed that he is believed to be endangered in Canada. So we decided to embark on a scientific journey to track down and document the elusive intact Canadian man. 

We landed at an airport surrounded by aircraft from Cathay Pacific and China Eastern Airlines, with gate ramps sponsored by the Hong Kong Shangai Banking Corporation, and signs in a language believed to be Mandarin or Cantonese. Upon confirming we had arrived in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada (the uneducated could easily mistaken this place for Hong Kong), we looked for a white man, any white man really,  with no success. Occasionally, we would spot, among dozens, a white human appearing to be of the male gender,. We would quickly realize, however, that the subject’s gender was uncertain, that the individual had undergone neutering, or both

We tried to inquire with the local population as to the area of town best suited to spot the elusive species. Unfortunately, we were unable to communicate as they did not speak English, or French for that matter, languages we believed, were we ever wrong, to be official in Canada. We erred for some time in the city surrounding Vancouver International Airport, Richmond, but we could hardly find any sign in English, let alone a white man.

We decided to drive into Vancouver’s downtown core. Bike lanes have replaced vehicle lanes, not for the purpose of helping epic traffic congestion, but because bike lanes felt right. Result is absolute chaos, with each traffic lane on streets such as Hornby having their own traffic light, leading to gridlock of biblical proportions, and an average of 45 minutes to cover a mere 100 yards. While stuck in traffic, we looked for signs of the Canadian man. But we couldn’t spot any. Drivers were of all colors but white, driving like zombies, unaware of their surroundings. A couple of white individuals were seen, but with jeans so tight that they could not reasonably accommodate the ball sack that is an inherent characteristic of a man. 

Then we spotted white men! They were however some of our brothers, none of them Canadian, who had been pulled over by the finest, Vancouver Police, for having part of a moose rack visible at the back of their truck. A serious offense in Vancouver, were soy has replaced meat, and where the concept of hunting is so offensive, any sign of it must be concealed. Offending anyone in Vancouver, may it be from being a hunter, or just from breathing, can lead to arrest for disturbing the peace…

The peace… The peace in Vancouver is not really peace, It is a soulless environment, with no identity, no core, no community, no cohesion, no homogeneity. It is like the Stepford wives, just the multicolored version. We even wondered, in good faith, if those people walking the streets of Vancouver, apparently aimlessly, and with no happiness whatsoever, were actual human. We tried to listen them talk occasionally, but it never was in a language we could understand.

We proceeded to search for the white man habitat, outside of the downtown condos, unsuitable as a dwelling for any actual man. We came across primarily crack houses, selling for as high as $2 million. We then realized the white man in Vancouver simply had lost its habitat, unable to find suitable dwelling unless making $450,000 a year, and was probably driven out of the city. Or even the country. While trying to avoid stepping on needles and refuse, we did spot a specimen, laying in absolute filth, who may have been, a long time ago, a man. Color was inconclusive due to the amount of filth. 

After one full day and one full night, we still hadn’t spotted one single Canadian man. So we extracted ourselves from possibly the worst shit hole in the “free” world, concluding that the Canadian man is not merely endangered. It is critically endangered.